Jehovah Speaks!

Jehovah Speaks!As you no doubt know, Jehovah rarely grants interviews. It has been about two thousand years since he spoke (other than to the Pope and the Governing Body, of course). So, when he speaks to an underling like me it’s a very special occurrence!

Like Paul, I don’t know if the experience I’m about to relate was a dream or a vision–in the body or out. I’m not sure it matters [or if there’s really a difference.] But, believe it or not, I was granted one of those rare interviews, and I knew my visitors would be interested to know what was said.

I was informed ahead of time that there would only be one answer to each question. No matter how cryptic the answer might be, I was not to ask for further clarification. So I decided, in the limited time allotted, to ask all of the hard-hitting questions that I think most of us would want answers to. [Though, regrettably I didn’t have time to ask: “Boxers or briefs?”]

What follows is an exact transcript.

Steve: Was Jesus you?

YHWH: Everyone is me.

Steve: Was he your son?

YHWH: You are all God’s children.

Steve: But what about being “only-begotten?”

YHWH: That would contradict what I just said, wouldn’t it. You’d have to ask the author of that statement why he wrote that.

Steve: But didn’t you inspire that to be written, along with the rest of the Bible?

YHWH: I inspire everything: the good and the evil: the truth and the lies.

Steve: Is there a fiery hell where sinners burn forever after death?

YHWH: (Laughs)

Steve: So, what do you think of the Jehovah’s Witnesses?

YHWH: The what?

Steve: Is there one true religion?

YHWH: Religion is something insecure people have dreamed up to soothe their fears of the unknown. To each one of them their religion has subjective truth as long as they don’t think in a broader context. It’s a type of mental illness, actually.

Steve: Who, then, is that faithful and discreet slave whom his master appoints over all his belongings?

YHWH: I thought you’d figured out by now that slavery is immoral.

Steve: Are you soon going to kill everyone who isn’t a Jehovah’s Witness?

YHWH: Who isn’t a what?

Steve: Are only Christians saved?

YHWH: Saved from what?

Steve: Saved from God’s wrath against sin.

YHWH: Look, the only thing people need to be saved from is their own wrath against each other and against themselves–usually fostered by religion and patriotism: the most divisive forces in history.

Steve: What about belief in Jesus, the Bible, baptism, joining your organization on Earth, spreading the good news, turning in time reports, attending meetings and conventions?

YHWH: People will believe whatever seems best to them given their culture, personality, and emotional needs. I personally don’t care what they believe: it only matters what they do: how they treat each other.

Steve: What about shunning a friend or family member who comes to believe differently than we do?

YHWH: That would be a good example of–what did you call it–oh yes: a “sin.”

Steve: But doesn’t the Bible say to shun them?

YHWH: More or less.

Steve: And didn’t you inspire the Bible to be written that way?

YHWH: I inspire everything: the good and the evil: the truth and the lies.

Steve: What about abstaining from blood?

YHWH: What did I say about treating each other well?

Steve: Did man get here by evolution or by creation?

YHWH: If you’re going to ask scientific questions then instead of asking me you need to be true to that method and follow where the evidence leads.

Steve: So, what does the future hold for us? Is there life after death, will there be a resurrection of the righteous and the unrighteous?

YHWH: I’m not a fortune-teller. If I knew the future you would have no freewill, and then–according to your Bible–you’d never have gotten into this whole mess to begin with. But as to this notion of “life after death”–isn’t that an oxymoron?

Steve: Can you create an object so heavy that you can’t lift it?

YHWH: (Laughs) That’s one of those paradoxes your finite human minds run up against when you try to imagine something with infinite attributes.

Steve: So you can’t answer the question?


Steve: So answering that question is something you can’t do?

YHWH: Correct.

Steve: Then it’s not true that you can do everything?

YHWH: In your finite minds I can only appear finite upon rational examination.

Steve: Are there infinite minds, and do you have one?

YHWH: Since you can’t conceive of “infinite minds” (other than as a meaningless label) it’s not possible to give you an answer that you could comprehend.

Steve: So, should we just forget about you and go about our business “treating each other well”?

YHWH: Of course. If I existed, it would be just the same as if I didn’t. So, live your lives accordingly. An infinite being could never need placating by finite beings. So don’t worry about pleasing me. Please each other.

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