Simply Inspired

What if I told you that I just wrote something that was “inspired by God”?

You ask to see the document, and I hand you the following page:

The LORD God, creator of heaven and earth and all that dwell therein spoke to me and said:

“Bats are birds.

Whales are fish.

Unicorns, dragons, and satyrs exist.

There are three days and three nights between Friday evening and Sunday morning.

If you utterly destroy everyone who breathes of a certain nation, someone of that nation may later kill you or the nation may raise up an army and defeat you.

Black may not be white, but scarlet is purple .

Do not call anyone a fool, you fool!”


You look at me in disbelief and ask, “This is what God said to you?”

“No,” I say, “this is what God inspired to be written.”


Would you believe me?

Would you believe that God chose to spend time inspiring the writing of this nonsensical trivia?

In the first place, you inform me: none of the statements I’ve attributed to God are true. Bats are mammals, not birds; they don’t lay eggs. Whales are no more fish than you and I are; they are air-breathing mammals. Unicorns, dragons, and satyrs are mythological beings with no existence in reality. There are at most only two full days and only two nights between Friday evening and Sunday morning. A nation utterly destroyed no longer exists and so cannot mount an attack. Scarlet and purple are two distinct colors just as much as black and white are. And where do I get off calling you a fool when I tell you not to call anyone a fool?

“Oh, but you see,” I interrupt, “you’re just an unbeliever nit-picking at my holy document and taking everything out of context. This was translated from an ancient language, and you need to make allowances for that. The word for “bird” really just means a winged creature. Besides, they didn’t classify animals the same way you do today. And who knows what they meant by the mythological beasts? They could be symbolic, after all.”

You roll your eyes and say, “Well, you’d think that God would’ve inspired an accurate translation if he was going to all the trouble of communicating this garbage to us. Plus God would know that bats don’t have anything like the wings of birds: they have webbed fingers. It’s the sort of understandable mistake an ignorant person would make by just observing bats, but not a mistake the bat’s creator could make. But what about the number of days? Surely a mistake in simple arithmetic can’t be excused on the basis of translating from an ancient language, can it?”

I shake my head at you in astonishment at your obstinate skepticism: “Well, of course there are three days: Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. And every day has a night, doesn’t it? So there’s your three days and three nights, you scoffer! But really, in that ancient language they didn’t count days the same way we do; they just meant parts of three days by that expression.”

You laugh and ask, “What makes you think this drivel was inspired by God? If something were truly so inspired it would be completely accurate, with its truth obvious to everyone without the need for apologists to dream up flimsy and far-fetched excuses for its mistakes.”

“Give me that,” I demand, grabbing the sheet from your hands. I proceed to write something at the bottom of the page and hand it back to you with a triumphant smile, “There! Read that!”

You look at the bottom of the page and see that I have scrawled: “This is scripture and all scripture is inspired by God.”



I hope not. However, what if I were to tell you that all of the statements I’ve written on the page are, in fact, taken from the Bible?

You may have recognized some of them, but here are the complete citations:

Bats are birds.

Leviticus 11:13-19:

These, moreover, you shall detest among the birds; they are abhorrent, not to be eaten: the eagle and the vulture and the buzzard, … and the bat.

Whales are fish.

Jonah 1:17:

Now the LORD had prepared a great fish to swallow up Jonah. And Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights.

Matthew 12:40:

For as Jonas was three days and three nights in the whale’s belly; so shall the Son of man be three days and three nights in the heart of the earth

Unicorns, dragons, and satyrs exist.

Isaiah 34:7

And the unicorns shall come down with them…

Malachi 1:3:

And I hated Esau, and laid his mountains and his heritage waste for the dragons of the wilderness.

Isaiah 13:21:

But wild beasts of the desert shall lie there; and their houses shall be full of doleful creatures; and owls shall dwell there, and satyrs shall dance there.

There are three days and three nights between Friday evening and Sunday morning.

Matthew 12:40:

For as Jonas was three days and three nights in the whale’s belly; so shall the Son of man be three days and three nights in the heart of the earth

Mark 15:42, 43:

And now when the even was come, because it was the preparation, that is, the day before the sabbath, Joseph of Arimathaea … went in boldly unto Pilate, and craved the body of Jesus.

Mark 16:1-6:
When the Sabbath was over, Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James, and Salome bought spices so that they might go to anoint Jesus’ body. Very early on the first day of the week, just after sunrise, they were on their way to the tomb… As they entered the tomb, they saw a young man dressed in a white robe sitting on the right side, and they were alarmed. “Don’t be alarmed,” he said. “You are looking for Jesus the Nazarene, who was crucified. He has risen!”

[According to the above, Jesus died and was buried late on the day before the Sabbath — that is, on Friday –and rose on the morning after the Sabbath, or on Sunday. Some Christians–fully realizing the import of this contradiction–have lately disputed this, claiming a Thursday through Sunday or a Wednesday through Saturday death range, but other fundamentalists recognize that such claims can’t be reconciled with the Biblical account.]

If you utterly destroy everyone who breathes of a certain nation, someone of that nation may later kill you or the nation may raise up an army and defeat you.

1Sam:15:3, 7-8:

Now go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass… And Saul smote the Amalekites from Havilah until thou comest to Shur, that is over against Egypt. And he took Agag the king of the Amalekites alive, and utterly destroyed all the people with the edge of the sword.

Above: Every Amalekite destroyed.

Below: An Amalekite later kills Saul:


And the young man that told him said, As I happened by chance upon mount Gilboa, behold, Saul leaned upon his spear; and, lo, the chariots and horsemen followed hard after him. And when he looked behind him, he saw me, and called unto me. And I answered, Here am I. And he said unto me, Who art thou? And I answered him, I am an Amalekite. And he said unto me again, Stand, I pray thee, upon me, and slay me: for anguish is come upon me, because my life is yet whole in me. So I stood upon him, and slew him, because I was sure that he could not live after that he was fallen: and I took the crown that was upon his head, and the bracelet that was on his arm, and have brought them hither unto my lord.


And they warred against the Midianites, as the LORD commanded Moses; and they slew all the males. And they slew the kings of Midian… And the children of Israel took all the women of Midian captives, and their little ones, and took the spoil of all their cattle, and all their flocks, and all their goods. And they burnt all their cities wherein they dwelt… And they took all the spoil, and all the prey, both of men and of beasts.
And they brought the captives, and the prey, and the spoil, unto Moses… And Moses was wroth… And Moses said unto them, Have ye saved all the women alive? … Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves.

Above: Midianites all destroyed except for the virgin girls who were made sex slaves to the Israelites on Moses’ order.

Below: Midianites later war against Israel:


And the children of Israel did evil in the sight of the LORD: and the LORD delivered them into the hand of Midian seven years. And the hand of Midian prevailed against Israel… And so it was, when Israel had sown, that the Midianites came up… with their cattle and their tents, and they came as grasshoppers for multitude; for both they and their camels were without number: and they entered into the land to destroy it.

Black may not be white, but scarlet is purple.

Matthew 27:28

And they stripped him, and put on him a scarlet robe.

John 19:2

And the soldiers platted a crown of thorns, and put it on his head, and they put on him a purple robe.

Do not call anyone a fool, you fool!


But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment: and whosoever shall say to his brother, Raca, shall be in danger of the council: but whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire.

Evidently even Jesus couldn’t follow his own law, listen to what he called the scribes and Pharisees to their face:


Ye fools and blind: for whether is greater, the gold, or the temple that sanctifieth the gold?


A Quandary?

Now do you believe my writing was inspired (or at least the ideas contained therein came from an inspired source, and hence the ideas are inspired by God)? Does this present a quandary for you? There are Christian apologists who go to quite amusing lengths in stretching their credibility and their readers’ credulity while attempting to explain away these embarrassments in the Bible. It should be obvious to you by now that had they read these same statements in a rival religion’s “holy” book, they would’ve scoffed as surely as you did at my writing. But, having read them in their own “holy” book they evidently feel that they must find some way to justify their existence, even if it’s less than honest and leaves themselves and others deluded.

This is how the school of Biblical interpretation has arisen that I like to call the “It doesn’t mean what it says” school. This school maintains that the God of the Bible has allowed the Bible translation accepted as “authorized” for centuries to mislead us, and only those who know the original languages can tell us what the Bible really means. All this in spite of the fact that the Bible itself states that it reveals itself to the “unlettered” (Mt. 11:25; Acts 4:13). Oops, I forgot: “that doesn’t mean what it says!”


Concluding Foolishness

To your surprise I come back the next day with three followers.

This time we all claim to have written God-inspired writings. “I’ve stapled them all together, so that my statement ‘this is scripture’ applies to all of it: all divinely inspired!”

To save time you say, “Please summarize what you each have written.”

My first follower says, “I wrote that God has ordered us to sacrifice a goat to him because he loves the smell of burning flesh, and spilling blood is the only way to atone for our sins.” (Ex:29:16-18: And thou shalt slay the ram, and thou shalt take his blood, and sprinkle it round about upon the altar.
And thou shalt cut the ram in pieces, and wash the inwards of him, and his legs, and put them unto his pieces, and unto his head.
And thou shalt burn the whole ram upon the altar: it is a burnt offering unto the LORD: it is a sweet savour, an offering made by fire unto the LORD.
Heb:9:22: And almost all things are by the law purged with blood; and without shedding of blood is no remission.)

The second follower says, “Yes, and God added that this was to be an ordinance incumbent upon us forever. No one must take away or add anything to this law.” (Ex:29:42: This shall be a continual burnt offering throughout your generations Deut:4:2: Ye shall not add unto the word which I command you, neither shall ye diminish ought from it, that ye may keep the commandments of the LORD your God which I command you. )

“But,” says the third follower, “God told me that he hates sacrifices and never ordered them or wanted them, and that spilling blood never forgave one sin.” (Ps:40:6: Sacrifice and offering thou didst not desire; mine ears hast thou opened: burnt offering and sin offering hast thou not required. Isa:1:11: To what purpose is the multitude of your sacrifices unto me? saith the LORD: I am full of the burnt offerings of rams, and the fat of fed beasts; and I delight not in the blood of bullocks, or of lambs, or of he goats. Heb:10:4: For it is not possible that the blood of bulls and of goats should take away sins. Heb:10:11: And every priest standeth daily ministering and offering oftentimes the same sacrifices, which can never take away sins)

“And,” I chime in, “I wrote that the son of God must be sacrificed instead of the goat.”

You try hard not to laugh, and ask, “And you are all inspired by the same God?” Receiving an affirmative answer you further ask, “So then how come you contradict each other?”

“There are no contradictions,” I explain, “this is a progressive revelation. God can’t give us all the truth at once or we’d be blinded by the light.”

“The poor goats in the meantime,” you lament, “sacrificed for nothing. But how come your second follower said that no one should change the law, and then the third guy changed it completely?”

“The light got brighter,” I explain. “God is merciful: not wanting to kill his own son he first tried to forgive sins with goat’s blood. When that didn’t work out, he made the ultimate sacrifice of his son to save us! You should fall down on your knees in gratitude instead of criticizing God’s divine plan.”

My third follower further informs you that: “The goat just prefigured the son of God.”

“Not only that,” I tell you, “but another group of guys got together and voted on which writings were inspired by God, and they chose all of ours!


comic books and Lady Chaterly's Lover paperback


“And, even though they also chose some writings which we are sure are not inspired, we still trust their judgement and think that it proves our writings are inspired, just like we claim.”

At this point you wisely decide to abandon all hope of an intelligent conversation with me, and ask me and my followers to move along.

As we turn to go you notice the comic books in the back pockets of my followers, and the paperback in mine.


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